Monday, January 11, 2010

Yikes & deja vu

Well, here I am back where I started. Welcome to Iowa City, center of the universe. It seems no matter what I do or where I go I am pulled back to this place. I have learned through this journey that there are worse places to live that here. My children are here and there is nothing better in the world than to see my daughters on a regular basis and my grandchildren growing up. I have made lost of mistakes and hurt some people in the process. I have lost a lot. I found out the hard way that there are still too many people out the who, under the guise of religion, are some of the most dishonest people on the planet. I learned that I don't have to agree with everyone and at the end of the day the only one that matters is myself for the simple reason that I have to live with me no matter where I go.
I learned that even though you've known someone for thirty plus years and the are the same greedy, rude, and self-centered as they were when you met them...they aren't going to change because they don't think they need to...just walk (or) drive away, don't look back and have no regrets.
I am learning that no matter how much time has past (so far), grief can be just as intense as it was the very first day and there may not be an end. No relationship can patch it up and as much as one may think that past hurts are in the past, the stench of them can resurface at any time.
There were many times that I thought it would be wonderful if a man from the past would actually say he was sorry and that you are actually a really nice person. But when it finally happened, it didn't feel like I thought it would. It seems for me that too much time has past with that embedded in my psyche and has caused too many sores that may never heal since the beliefs that the insults created just bleed into another bad decision or relationship. So to say you're sorry now is good for the person saying it but not so much for the receiver.

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