Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This has not title...just words

     I should have started writing this a long time ago and at this point, I don't even know if this will ever be finished. The biggest part of me is a mystery even to myself. I love (loved) a man. From the moment he touched me I knew I could never say goodbye, Daniel, was under my skin. His essence continues to swim in my blood, forces air into my lungs and his taste, remains on my tongue. The nights he visits my dreams are too numerous to count. When the first dreams came, I was trying to fix him, make him better so that I could take him home again and everything would be the same. I wanted the doctors to send him away for some miracle cure or pancreatic transplant that would make him well and free from the ugliness of diabetes. While he was alive, I would have given anything short of my life for him to be free of this unforgiving disease that invaded the life of this beautiful boy, my beautiful boy.
   A sweet boy, my sweet boy with thick raven curls soft as angel's wings, eyes bluer than any ocean could aspire. His eyes sparkled like stars. Not like stars in the skies like described in too many sonnets, love letters and such. But like a newly discovered solar system with all the wonders of  new universe - his own. His lips...To open the secret of his lips, I would have to shame myself. It would be better to be left unsaid than to fumble helplessly at its meaning. Something so powerful should remain unsaid, left to the ages. The wonderment that they held lies in the grave with his remains. The true memory and their meaning are tattooed on my psyche never to be bested.
     Diabetes. This word is among the foulest that can be spoken when it has consumed the one you love. There is no fairness to those that are stricken. But to strike a child of seven? What, what the hell is the purpose of that. Where is the fairness. Oh, I think that there is some where, some how, some one that will try and justify it as the will of a just god. I will never buy into that thinking, no way, no how. Is it some kind of messed up karma from a life gone by. A payback for the lives of innocents of a forgone era? What? Save for the errant Atilla or misguided dictator, this should never happen to children or, yes to anyone. Spite from a vengeful god? Perhaps, but for what purpose. Bloody, frickin' do-da luck. Whatever it is, our best and brightest cannot fix it or prevent if from happening to those so young.
     I will never apologize for my selfishness. I was minding my own business when BAM, this man seemed to fall out of the sky and into my life. Well, not quite like that. It really involved and ad and an oil change. Relationships are hard at best and he brought something into the relationship that I had no way to prepare for. Juvenile Onset Diabetes Myelitis. Juvenile, like a delinquent locked in the prison of diabetes.
(this writing is not complete)

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